“Could today be the day?” 

That question haunted me every night as I drifted to sleep. Since January 2017, this thought lingered in my mind like an uninvited guest. 

The constant fear that today might be the day my kidneys fail, leading to hospitalization and dialysis. 

This wasn’t just a personal fear. The dark cloud loomed over my journey as a church planter.

This constant worry illustrates the ancient tale of the Sword of Damocles. 

Just as Damocles sat under a sword suspended by a single hair, I led the church under the looming threat of my health crisis.

It is a vivid metaphor for the pressure and anxiety of planting and leading a church while grappling with a chronic illness. 

This invisible yet palpable sword was a daily reminder of my vulnerability.

1. The Illusion of Invulnerability: Learning to Let People In

Initially, I masked my fears, believing that as a leader, my role was to shield my flock. 

This façade of invulnerability misses a crucial point: sharing our struggles can create deeper, more authentic connections. 

Admitting our vulnerabilities doesn’t weaken our leadership, it enriches it.

2. Emotional Barriers: The Cost of Anxiety

“I just don’t have any more to give.” 

Anxiety can be a constant companion for you as a leader, and it can often hinder your ability to fully engage with your congregation on an emotional level.

Emotional presence is a critical aspect of effective leadership, but anxiety can create barriers where open doors are needed. 

It is important for leaders to recognize and address their anxiety in order to cultivate a more open and true connection with their followers. 

Recognizing this can help you take steps to be more emotionally available and present.

3. Unforeseen Leadership Dynamics: The Power of Teamwork

“I’m grateful for a dynamic team.” 

My struggles inadvertently led to a redistribution of pastoral responsibilities, highlighting the invaluable strength of my team.

Founding Epiphany in Baltimore as a team meant zone coverage of the needs of the organization.

That’s why Trevor and I embraced the “clouds and dirt” philosophy. I was able to exercise my strengths of vision casting and fundraising in the clouds while Trevor was the general on the ground. 

I had to learn that our vulnerabilities, rather than being mere weaknesses, can catalyze the growth and development of those around us, creating a dynamic, resilient team. 

Our team pastored out of the overflow of calling not because of my direct example. 

To that, I commend them and will be forever grateful to them. 

4. Confronting Scarcity Thinking

“I don’t know if we can keep going.” 

Living under the shadow of health anxiety often led me to a scarcity mindset, always bracing for the worst.

In a church environment, especially in church planting, such a mindset can hinder progress and hope.

Challenging this mindset is essential for cultivating an atmosphere of optimism and possibility.

Even if you have no hope, you must learn to speak hope in spite of your feelings. 

5. Overcoming Isolation: The Strength in Seeking Support

The battle with anxiety can be a lonely one, more so in a leadership position. 

It’s important to remember that reaching out for support is a strength, not a weakness.

Building a network of support, be it through professional counseling, peer support, or open dialogues, is crucial in mitigating the sense of isolation

That’s literally why I speak to one of my Maroon bros almost daily! 

My journey as a church planter, intertwined with my struggle with health anxiety, has been enlightening. 

The lessons learned are not just personal insights but natural experiences in the world of spiritual leadership. 

Embracing your vulnerabilities, leaning into your communities, and transforming your challenges into opportunities for growth and connection can redefine your leadership journey.

Let us support each other, share our stories, and foster communities that are not only spiritually but also emotionally supportive.